I was trying to think of the best way to say this, or I guess, present this. I thought originally maybe a video of me just vomiting words everywhere would work, but I always feel super awkward on camera. I mean, I’m awkward all the time, but a heightened kind of awkward.
I was thinking a lot about the whole process of applying for jobs, for opportunities, all that kind of stuff, and I realised I really had to get a lot of things off of my chest.
SO, because I work best using lists, everything is getting numbers. That way I can maintain my air of organised chaos.

1. If you feel you don’t have a voice, how do you voice your thoughts?
This is my thought ALWAYS. I struggle a lot with speaking my mind because in the world we live in right now, everyone has so many damn opinions. I mean, great, that’s cool. Everyone has opinions, but they always have to assert themselves and push everyone else down in the process. We’re criticised for telling wrong truths (even though they’re the only truths we’ve ever known), for speaking too loudly or not loudly enough…the list goes on. But aside from all of those bigger things, I struggle with the idea of coming across as original and unique. All the things we have to do in life to get jobs to push through the hoardes of people require us to be so much different than every other person. But yet the only way you can get noticed is to be ‘relatable’ to whoever is paying attention. I’m personally weird in not that ‘relatably adorkable’ way. I’m weird in that ‘definitely has social anxiety and thinks you’re judging me always’ way. I have issues, and I can’t look you in the eye if I need to have a serious conversation with you. In that way that every single TV show character can do perfectly. Serious question: how do they do it? Is that even normal. How are their eyes not twitching the whole time, and why don’t they look like they’re about to throw up.
Also, do y’all ever start thinking about 1984 and thoughtcrime, and wonder if Ingsoc hasn’t come after you yet cuz you haven’t actually had a truly original thought before? Literally me. *has existential crisis*

2. If you can’t articulate yourself in front of a camera, or on a sheet of paper, where does that put you?
If you put me in front of a camera, I guarantee you the result will be the biggest trainwreck you’ve ever seen/witnessed. My voice gets all high-pitched and unsteady, and I sound like the fakest person you’ve ever come across. Everything sounds so damn unauthentic, even though I have more passion for what I’m talking about than I could ever express. Not to even mention, the words I would say would become jumbled and I’d probably do the most awkward things with my face and hands. I used to have to submit music singing videos every week for homework back in high school, and for the one video, I would have about 50 different takes. Many would be me with double-chin, I’d be concerned that the chair I was sitting on sounded like I just farted, that I didn’t look happy enough, or that I didn’t look serious enough.
And as you have just witnessed, my writing isn’t exactly the most fluent and articulate thing you’ve ever read either. My tone comes across incorrectly ALL THE TIME. At times I sound arrogant, angry, insincere…the list goes on.

3. If you’re not even comfortable in your own body, how does that translate to other people?
People are really, really observant about things that seem insincere. Whether or not that is actually because you’re being insincere or not, is not the point. I don’t wear makeup because it reacts badly with my skin, my hair is always in a state of distress (i.e. possibly was just involved in a giant explosion – send help) and I always just generally look super uncomfortable. I have RBF, sometimes my eye twitches when I’m tired (which is always) so it looks like I just winked at you…awks, and my sense of fashion never actually makes it onto my body because I’m way too afraid to actually wear what I think looks good.

4. Public conversations? Meeting new people?
Oh the struggle. Not the ‘ohhhh honey, what a Ster-ruggle’. A literal struggle. I’m clumsy ( will trip over you and over my own feet), I will say some weird stuff and reveal to you all of my most embarrassing life moments because they’re so bad you WILL laugh (it’s a 100% guarantee – put it on the box next to the no added sugar label), and by the end of our extremely awkward conversation you’ll wonder if you just had an encounter of the third kind (UFOS were spotted). And while this all sounds joke-y, it really isn’t cute or adorkable. It’s uncomfortable and awkward and I was serious about the UFOs o_O